Friday, October 16, 2009

Senate Finance Committee Health Care Bill Hospitalized after being Gutted

The Senate Finance Committee Health Care Bill was reportedly hospitalized last night. Doctors at St. Vincent’s Hospital Emergency Room could not determine precisely what was ailing the bill, only that he looked, according to treating physician, Dr. Norman Fulton, “severally gutted.” “It was like every part of him that made him human had been sliced off or mutilated in some way,” added the doctor.

Meanwhile, staff psychiatrists reportedly diagnosed the bill with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Chief of psychiatry Dr. Sherling Beck while unable to confirm this, acknowledged that “the bill had no recollection, as is typical of PTSD suffers, of how he got to be in this shape, he just kept muttering something about ‘change’ and a ‘Democratic super-majority.’ It’s sad really.”

After regaining consciousness, the bill stated that “aside from missing virtually every organ necessary for the most basic standard of life, I’m just fine. All things considered, I think I turned out okay.” In response several psychiatric experts said that such delusions are quite typical in these sorts of cases.

President Obama reportedly sent to the bill a teddy bear holding a heart that says “yes, you can… get well soon!” on it. MSNCB anchors then congratulated the president on another act of savvy and courageous leadership.

Since the hospitalization the bill has declared bankruptcy due to extensive medical costs after being denied coverage from his insurance company, CIGNA. The underwriters of his plan wrote that he was denied on the basis that “being gutted for the sake of putting money in our pockets is a pre-existing condition.” When reached for comment CIGNA CEO H. Edward Hanney said “well, obviously that’s a pre-existing condition, I mean, we've been doing shit like this for decades. That bill was fucked before it was even born."

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