Senate Finance Committee Health Care Bill Hospitalized after being Gutted

The Senate Finance Committee Health Care Bill was reportedly hospitalized last night. Doctors at St. Vincent’s Hospital Emergency Room could not determine precisely what was ailing the bill, only that he looked, according to treating physician, Dr. Norman Fulton, “severally gutted.” “It was like every part of him that made him human had been sliced off or mutilated in some way,” added the doctor.

Meanwhile, staff psychiatrists reportedly diagnosed the bill with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Chief of psychiatry Dr. Sherling Beck while unable to confirm this, acknowledged that “the bill had no recollection, as is typical of PTSD suffers, of how he got to be in this shape, he just kept muttering something about ‘change’ and a ‘Democratic super-majority.’ It’s sad really.”

After regaining consciousness, the bill stated that “aside from missing virtually every organ necessary for the most basic standard of life, I’m just fine. All things considered, I think I turned out okay.” In response several psychiatric experts said that such delusions are quite typical in these sorts of cases.

President Obama reportedly sent to the bill a teddy bear holding a heart that says “yes, you can… get well soon!” on it. MSNCB anchors then congratulated the president on another act of savvy and courageous leadership.

Since the hospitalization the bill has declared bankruptcy due to extensive medical costs after being denied coverage from his insurance company, CIGNA. The underwriters of his plan wrote that he was denied on the basis that “being gutted for the sake of putting money in our pockets is a pre-existing condition.” When reached for comment CIGNA CEO H. Edward Hanney said “well, obviously that’s a pre-existing condition, I mean, we've been doing shit like this for decades. That bill was fucked before it was even born."

Obama follows up Nobel with Oscar

In the wee hours of yesterday morning, President Barack Obama learned he would be receiving the 2009 Academy Award for Best Picture. Mr. Obama is reported to have responded by running around the oval office yelling ”suck on that Gore!”

When reporters asked the president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Tom Sherak, If it wasn’t odd to give the pinnacle of film achievement to a person who hasn’t even made a movie, he said “if Obama were to actually make a movie, it would probably be pretty kick ass.” “The award is for what he could hypothetically do, but probably won’t,” said a self-assured Sherak.

Critics have pointed out that Obama is pretty much the last person who should win a film award, considering he promised Michelle he would watch Citizen Kane with her, but repeatedly failed to watch the film to the end. “It was just too much work to sit through,” the president said.

Conservative pundits expressed outrage at the Academy’s choice, with Rush Limbaugh saying “now the terrorists have officially won and we might as well call this country the United States of Afghanistan.” Glen Beck reminded Fox viewers Hitler once received the Oscar for best short animated film. The majority of his audience took Beck's word for it, because as one loyal Fox viewer put it “that sounds so insane and impossible for my brain to believe, that it’s gotta be true!”

Other strong reactions included Kanye West, who told a press conference assembled mostly of his stuffed animal collection, that “Beyonce was robbed again!”

Meanwhile in rare moment of revealing his own opinion on an issue, Larry King pronounced “it was about time Danny Glover won an Oscar.”